(Disclaimer: During an episode of struggling with drug addiction.)
When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it be with this wicked generation." Matthew 12:43
This is what's happening to you; that is why you're dealing with pot all right because the devil or forces of darkness are trying harder to keep you away from God and to keep you from becoming who God intended you to be. Remember what these things have done to you. Remember how they have sabotaged your intelligence and your ability to enjoy life. Remember how God took you from the brink of hell and is building you back up again. Go to the next meeting that you can possibly go to and try to go to church tomorrow if you can.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Animal
I think the more that a person resists his/her primal urges when they are inappropriate, the more God-like a person becomes in that the person becomes less selfish. I think the more a person gives in to those urges, the more animal-like he/she becomes, scrambling for what he/she can get to satisfy his/her cravings and urges.
I recently realized that during the second half (the downer half) of my drug usage career, I was learning something about people that I was not aware that I was learning. I was learning that when left unchecked, unchecked either by their own conscience or by religious codes of conduct, people become like animals in that they mainly do whatever appeals to their primal urges at the time such as taking something that they want, fighting, or having sex. Like I knew a girl who stole some of her friend's money then later said about it, "I couldn't help it; I was on Xanax!" Or when someone says, "I didn't mean to [insert morally reprehensible act here]....I was drunk. "I'm not saying that everyone does this, but I think it happens a lot. ESPECIALLY when someone "blacks out". I think when a person blacks out he/she goes into "animal mode" where his/her God-consciousness is totally shut off. I conjecture that this is also why a person doesn't remember his/her actions during a "black out", because their human/God consciousness is not present to store the memory.
I recently realized that during the second half (the downer half) of my drug usage career, I was learning something about people that I was not aware that I was learning. I was learning that when left unchecked, unchecked either by their own conscience or by religious codes of conduct, people become like animals in that they mainly do whatever appeals to their primal urges at the time such as taking something that they want, fighting, or having sex. Like I knew a girl who stole some of her friend's money then later said about it, "I couldn't help it; I was on Xanax!" Or when someone says, "I didn't mean to [insert morally reprehensible act here]....I was drunk. "I'm not saying that everyone does this, but I think it happens a lot. ESPECIALLY when someone "blacks out". I think when a person blacks out he/she goes into "animal mode" where his/her God-consciousness is totally shut off. I conjecture that this is also why a person doesn't remember his/her actions during a "black out", because their human/God consciousness is not present to store the memory.
Exciting Sobriety
Sober life is much more exciting than a life dulled by drugs (even the "minor" ones). Sober life can be frustrating at times but it's definitely not boring. I feel the life force of the universe flowing through me when I am sober, that's why I was so afraid when I first got clean.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Crazy Dream
I had a crazy dream last night. I was reading a satirical book that I was also acting out in real life as I read it. It was mainly about people not being what they seem on a personal level and on a political level. At the climax of the book different characters began to appear to be family members of other characters. I had sex with some fat guy and was saying cruel things to him that turned out to be the exact things that his mother had said to him. So he thought I was really his mother. I had been talking to some older conservative guy on the phone who said things to me that I suddenly recalled that my father had said to me (I can't remember what they were) and as a result I thought he was my father. Then the older guy said, as a character in the book, "The only way that a person can really know what a politician believes and stands for is if a person is there with him in Parliament while he is voting on an issue and sees which button he pushes." And this statement also revealed that no one was who he/she seemed and no one could tell who they were unless they were with them when they "pushed the button to vote on an issue".
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Stupid Pot
Pot makes me stupid. I sure has heck didn't become intelligent before by smoking pot. I traded being an intellectual for being stoned. And being stoned is not even that fun after the novelty wears off. And it makes me feel CRAZY! It makes me not right in the head! Why would you want to do that to yourself? Don't do it. You don't want to do it, so why do you do it? Why dost thou kick against the pricks?
I did it as an escape from reality and because of the release of dopamine. But the place to which I was escaping was basically Wacky Land where my perception made things seem to make sense that do not really make sense in the real world. Living that way for a long time is very confusing because eventually not much makes sense except for primal urges. This progressively reduced me to an animal-like way of functioning where I mostly acted on primal urges and whatever I thought would feel good at the time.
I did it as an escape from reality and because of the release of dopamine. But the place to which I was escaping was basically Wacky Land where my perception made things seem to make sense that do not really make sense in the real world. Living that way for a long time is very confusing because eventually not much makes sense except for primal urges. This progressively reduced me to an animal-like way of functioning where I mostly acted on primal urges and whatever I thought would feel good at the time.
Being a pothead greatly contributed to feelings of stupidity, fear, and loss of identity. Kind of like a vacation into being retarded and slightly schizophrenic for about 5 years.
Pot --
This is what happened to me on it. When I first experienced the appealing sensation of the drug I became awed at what seemed to be the presence of God and the light and beauty of experience and living in the moment that it afforded, especially when listening to music and viewing art, making art, and writing. Everything became intensely beautiful. I thought that it made my brain "right", that I was able to connect with nature as I wanted to; and that on it I was experiencing the world the way that I "should" be experiencing it. But really it's not the "right" way to experience things, it's just a different way of experiencing. It makes much more sense that the faculties that I was born with and have developed over the years while sober are the "right" way of experiencing things. The hard part is, that in real life, everything is not always shiny and golden and beautiful. Real life can be difficult and tiring sometimes.
It's a fact that marijuana makes my thoughts not as clear. There are definitely different neuronal connections going on in the brain. It seems like something like neuronal scrambling happens.
The intense experience of beauty while stoned released dopamine to create an orgasm-like effect. Because everything became beautiful, when I was taking an art class, I thought an exercise that I had done for design class was really amazing when it was not. I was much more sloppy with my work because everything was beautiful, even sloppy art homework.
I am much more aware of energy when I am stoned. Everyone's body language is super-intensified.
Every subtle movement that the other person makes contains either a no or a yes wherein I can sense fear or love, fear being no and love being yes. This intense perception of fear and love from others (on an almost psychic level) makes me feel afraid, then I start to think that the other people who are stoned can sense this fear in me (which they probably can), so I feel even more afraid.
But then the brain changes gears; shifts to a different idea.
It's harder to pay attention, easier to get distracted. I did not notice this for the first few months. When I started to notice this, I started to second-guess myself, which created insecurity. This began to create fear as well. I was smoking all the time. Not constantly, but several times a day when possible. I didn't do it every day until I got with a certain guy. When I started to notice that it was making me mentally "slow", I started to develop fear of other people. Fear that they would notice that my brain wasn't working very quickly, or that it was working differently than a normal person's, on a kind of level of insanity. Smoking pot is not a sane experience. If I wish to be sane I should not smoke it.
It feels very spiritual, but that can be achieved on a more peaceful level through prayer and meditation. There is a sense of the closeness of God but there is a fakeness to the God feeling sometimes. I tried meditating on it one time because I was feeling really nuts and I sensed, where my body is usually filled with light upon the completion of meditation, that there were little black prickly things at the edges of my body that the light could not disperse because of the influence of the pot. Perhaps it is a false sense of God.
Feeling stupid sucked the confidence out of me. I used to be confident, now I am not. Smoking it again will only decrease confidence more and not smoking it ever will only increase confidence.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Therefore, I feel that God does not want me to smoke pot because it causes a lot of fear and God does not want me to be afraid.
This is what happened to me on it. When I first experienced the appealing sensation of the drug I became awed at what seemed to be the presence of God and the light and beauty of experience and living in the moment that it afforded, especially when listening to music and viewing art, making art, and writing. Everything became intensely beautiful. I thought that it made my brain "right", that I was able to connect with nature as I wanted to; and that on it I was experiencing the world the way that I "should" be experiencing it. But really it's not the "right" way to experience things, it's just a different way of experiencing. It makes much more sense that the faculties that I was born with and have developed over the years while sober are the "right" way of experiencing things. The hard part is, that in real life, everything is not always shiny and golden and beautiful. Real life can be difficult and tiring sometimes.
It's a fact that marijuana makes my thoughts not as clear. There are definitely different neuronal connections going on in the brain. It seems like something like neuronal scrambling happens.
The intense experience of beauty while stoned released dopamine to create an orgasm-like effect. Because everything became beautiful, when I was taking an art class, I thought an exercise that I had done for design class was really amazing when it was not. I was much more sloppy with my work because everything was beautiful, even sloppy art homework.
I am much more aware of energy when I am stoned. Everyone's body language is super-intensified.
Every subtle movement that the other person makes contains either a no or a yes wherein I can sense fear or love, fear being no and love being yes. This intense perception of fear and love from others (on an almost psychic level) makes me feel afraid, then I start to think that the other people who are stoned can sense this fear in me (which they probably can), so I feel even more afraid.
But then the brain changes gears; shifts to a different idea.
It's harder to pay attention, easier to get distracted. I did not notice this for the first few months. When I started to notice this, I started to second-guess myself, which created insecurity. This began to create fear as well. I was smoking all the time. Not constantly, but several times a day when possible. I didn't do it every day until I got with a certain guy. When I started to notice that it was making me mentally "slow", I started to develop fear of other people. Fear that they would notice that my brain wasn't working very quickly, or that it was working differently than a normal person's, on a kind of level of insanity. Smoking pot is not a sane experience. If I wish to be sane I should not smoke it.
It feels very spiritual, but that can be achieved on a more peaceful level through prayer and meditation. There is a sense of the closeness of God but there is a fakeness to the God feeling sometimes. I tried meditating on it one time because I was feeling really nuts and I sensed, where my body is usually filled with light upon the completion of meditation, that there were little black prickly things at the edges of my body that the light could not disperse because of the influence of the pot. Perhaps it is a false sense of God.
Feeling stupid sucked the confidence out of me. I used to be confident, now I am not. Smoking it again will only decrease confidence more and not smoking it ever will only increase confidence.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Therefore, I feel that God does not want me to smoke pot because it causes a lot of fear and God does not want me to be afraid.
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