Tuesday, August 23, 2011
He who loves his life shall lose it...
Things are getting better the more that I deny self and try to focus on God and others. I'm still not very good at it, though.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
"An Unclean Spirit Returns"
(Disclaimer: During an episode of struggling with drug addiction.)
When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it be with this wicked generation." Matthew 12:43
This is what's happening to you; that is why you're dealing with pot all right because the devil or forces of darkness are trying harder to keep you away from God and to keep you from becoming who God intended you to be. Remember what these things have done to you. Remember how they have sabotaged your intelligence and your ability to enjoy life. Remember how God took you from the brink of hell and is building you back up again. Go to the next meeting that you can possibly go to and try to go to church tomorrow if you can.
When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it be with this wicked generation." Matthew 12:43
This is what's happening to you; that is why you're dealing with pot all right because the devil or forces of darkness are trying harder to keep you away from God and to keep you from becoming who God intended you to be. Remember what these things have done to you. Remember how they have sabotaged your intelligence and your ability to enjoy life. Remember how God took you from the brink of hell and is building you back up again. Go to the next meeting that you can possibly go to and try to go to church tomorrow if you can.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Animal
I think the more that a person resists his/her primal urges when they are inappropriate, the more God-like a person becomes in that the person becomes less selfish. I think the more a person gives in to those urges, the more animal-like he/she becomes, scrambling for what he/she can get to satisfy his/her cravings and urges.
I recently realized that during the second half (the downer half) of my drug usage career, I was learning something about people that I was not aware that I was learning. I was learning that when left unchecked, unchecked either by their own conscience or by religious codes of conduct, people become like animals in that they mainly do whatever appeals to their primal urges at the time such as taking something that they want, fighting, or having sex. Like I knew a girl who stole some of her friend's money then later said about it, "I couldn't help it; I was on Xanax!" Or when someone says, "I didn't mean to [insert morally reprehensible act here]....I was drunk. "I'm not saying that everyone does this, but I think it happens a lot. ESPECIALLY when someone "blacks out". I think when a person blacks out he/she goes into "animal mode" where his/her God-consciousness is totally shut off. I conjecture that this is also why a person doesn't remember his/her actions during a "black out", because their human/God consciousness is not present to store the memory.
I recently realized that during the second half (the downer half) of my drug usage career, I was learning something about people that I was not aware that I was learning. I was learning that when left unchecked, unchecked either by their own conscience or by religious codes of conduct, people become like animals in that they mainly do whatever appeals to their primal urges at the time such as taking something that they want, fighting, or having sex. Like I knew a girl who stole some of her friend's money then later said about it, "I couldn't help it; I was on Xanax!" Or when someone says, "I didn't mean to [insert morally reprehensible act here]....I was drunk. "I'm not saying that everyone does this, but I think it happens a lot. ESPECIALLY when someone "blacks out". I think when a person blacks out he/she goes into "animal mode" where his/her God-consciousness is totally shut off. I conjecture that this is also why a person doesn't remember his/her actions during a "black out", because their human/God consciousness is not present to store the memory.
Exciting Sobriety
Sober life is much more exciting than a life dulled by drugs (even the "minor" ones). Sober life can be frustrating at times but it's definitely not boring. I feel the life force of the universe flowing through me when I am sober, that's why I was so afraid when I first got clean.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Crazy Dream
I had a crazy dream last night. I was reading a satirical book that I was also acting out in real life as I read it. It was mainly about people not being what they seem on a personal level and on a political level. At the climax of the book different characters began to appear to be family members of other characters. I had sex with some fat guy and was saying cruel things to him that turned out to be the exact things that his mother had said to him. So he thought I was really his mother. I had been talking to some older conservative guy on the phone who said things to me that I suddenly recalled that my father had said to me (I can't remember what they were) and as a result I thought he was my father. Then the older guy said, as a character in the book, "The only way that a person can really know what a politician believes and stands for is if a person is there with him in Parliament while he is voting on an issue and sees which button he pushes." And this statement also revealed that no one was who he/she seemed and no one could tell who they were unless they were with them when they "pushed the button to vote on an issue".
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Stupid Pot
Pot makes me stupid. I sure has heck didn't become intelligent before by smoking pot. I traded being an intellectual for being stoned. And being stoned is not even that fun after the novelty wears off. And it makes me feel CRAZY! It makes me not right in the head! Why would you want to do that to yourself? Don't do it. You don't want to do it, so why do you do it? Why dost thou kick against the pricks?
I did it as an escape from reality and because of the release of dopamine. But the place to which I was escaping was basically Wacky Land where my perception made things seem to make sense that do not really make sense in the real world. Living that way for a long time is very confusing because eventually not much makes sense except for primal urges. This progressively reduced me to an animal-like way of functioning where I mostly acted on primal urges and whatever I thought would feel good at the time.
I did it as an escape from reality and because of the release of dopamine. But the place to which I was escaping was basically Wacky Land where my perception made things seem to make sense that do not really make sense in the real world. Living that way for a long time is very confusing because eventually not much makes sense except for primal urges. This progressively reduced me to an animal-like way of functioning where I mostly acted on primal urges and whatever I thought would feel good at the time.
Being a pothead greatly contributed to feelings of stupidity, fear, and loss of identity. Kind of like a vacation into being retarded and slightly schizophrenic for about 5 years.
Pot --
This is what happened to me on it. When I first experienced the appealing sensation of the drug I became awed at what seemed to be the presence of God and the light and beauty of experience and living in the moment that it afforded, especially when listening to music and viewing art, making art, and writing. Everything became intensely beautiful. I thought that it made my brain "right", that I was able to connect with nature as I wanted to; and that on it I was experiencing the world the way that I "should" be experiencing it. But really it's not the "right" way to experience things, it's just a different way of experiencing. It makes much more sense that the faculties that I was born with and have developed over the years while sober are the "right" way of experiencing things. The hard part is, that in real life, everything is not always shiny and golden and beautiful. Real life can be difficult and tiring sometimes.
It's a fact that marijuana makes my thoughts not as clear. There are definitely different neuronal connections going on in the brain. It seems like something like neuronal scrambling happens.
The intense experience of beauty while stoned released dopamine to create an orgasm-like effect. Because everything became beautiful, when I was taking an art class, I thought an exercise that I had done for design class was really amazing when it was not. I was much more sloppy with my work because everything was beautiful, even sloppy art homework.
I am much more aware of energy when I am stoned. Everyone's body language is super-intensified.
Every subtle movement that the other person makes contains either a no or a yes wherein I can sense fear or love, fear being no and love being yes. This intense perception of fear and love from others (on an almost psychic level) makes me feel afraid, then I start to think that the other people who are stoned can sense this fear in me (which they probably can), so I feel even more afraid.
But then the brain changes gears; shifts to a different idea.
It's harder to pay attention, easier to get distracted. I did not notice this for the first few months. When I started to notice this, I started to second-guess myself, which created insecurity. This began to create fear as well. I was smoking all the time. Not constantly, but several times a day when possible. I didn't do it every day until I got with a certain guy. When I started to notice that it was making me mentally "slow", I started to develop fear of other people. Fear that they would notice that my brain wasn't working very quickly, or that it was working differently than a normal person's, on a kind of level of insanity. Smoking pot is not a sane experience. If I wish to be sane I should not smoke it.
It feels very spiritual, but that can be achieved on a more peaceful level through prayer and meditation. There is a sense of the closeness of God but there is a fakeness to the God feeling sometimes. I tried meditating on it one time because I was feeling really nuts and I sensed, where my body is usually filled with light upon the completion of meditation, that there were little black prickly things at the edges of my body that the light could not disperse because of the influence of the pot. Perhaps it is a false sense of God.
Feeling stupid sucked the confidence out of me. I used to be confident, now I am not. Smoking it again will only decrease confidence more and not smoking it ever will only increase confidence.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Therefore, I feel that God does not want me to smoke pot because it causes a lot of fear and God does not want me to be afraid.
This is what happened to me on it. When I first experienced the appealing sensation of the drug I became awed at what seemed to be the presence of God and the light and beauty of experience and living in the moment that it afforded, especially when listening to music and viewing art, making art, and writing. Everything became intensely beautiful. I thought that it made my brain "right", that I was able to connect with nature as I wanted to; and that on it I was experiencing the world the way that I "should" be experiencing it. But really it's not the "right" way to experience things, it's just a different way of experiencing. It makes much more sense that the faculties that I was born with and have developed over the years while sober are the "right" way of experiencing things. The hard part is, that in real life, everything is not always shiny and golden and beautiful. Real life can be difficult and tiring sometimes.
It's a fact that marijuana makes my thoughts not as clear. There are definitely different neuronal connections going on in the brain. It seems like something like neuronal scrambling happens.
The intense experience of beauty while stoned released dopamine to create an orgasm-like effect. Because everything became beautiful, when I was taking an art class, I thought an exercise that I had done for design class was really amazing when it was not. I was much more sloppy with my work because everything was beautiful, even sloppy art homework.
I am much more aware of energy when I am stoned. Everyone's body language is super-intensified.
Every subtle movement that the other person makes contains either a no or a yes wherein I can sense fear or love, fear being no and love being yes. This intense perception of fear and love from others (on an almost psychic level) makes me feel afraid, then I start to think that the other people who are stoned can sense this fear in me (which they probably can), so I feel even more afraid.
But then the brain changes gears; shifts to a different idea.
It's harder to pay attention, easier to get distracted. I did not notice this for the first few months. When I started to notice this, I started to second-guess myself, which created insecurity. This began to create fear as well. I was smoking all the time. Not constantly, but several times a day when possible. I didn't do it every day until I got with a certain guy. When I started to notice that it was making me mentally "slow", I started to develop fear of other people. Fear that they would notice that my brain wasn't working very quickly, or that it was working differently than a normal person's, on a kind of level of insanity. Smoking pot is not a sane experience. If I wish to be sane I should not smoke it.
It feels very spiritual, but that can be achieved on a more peaceful level through prayer and meditation. There is a sense of the closeness of God but there is a fakeness to the God feeling sometimes. I tried meditating on it one time because I was feeling really nuts and I sensed, where my body is usually filled with light upon the completion of meditation, that there were little black prickly things at the edges of my body that the light could not disperse because of the influence of the pot. Perhaps it is a false sense of God.
Feeling stupid sucked the confidence out of me. I used to be confident, now I am not. Smoking it again will only decrease confidence more and not smoking it ever will only increase confidence.
"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Therefore, I feel that God does not want me to smoke pot because it causes a lot of fear and God does not want me to be afraid.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Moderate Success
Today was better. I did Tae Bo as soon as I woke up and worked up a moderate sweat, then went outside with Miles, fed him lunch, and put him down for his nap. Then I finally had a chance to wash off that moderate sweat in the shower. I found a moderately interesting local band on the net and checked out another local band on the net that I had heard about. Painted after that. Have decided to paint what I am calling "Process Paintings" for a while. More about the flow of the process than in the past: painting so that the process feels like an artform; graceful, like a dance, with very little stress involved. A little mindful of the product in that what I put on the canvas is pleasing to me at the time in relation to what is already on the canvas. And I don't get stressed out if I can't find the "right brush" or if something bumps against the canvas and smudges the paint or if someone interrupts me and I have to leave off at a point that I hadn't planned because those things are part of the organic flow of the creation of the painting. It was nice. Later Miles wanted to have another Easter egg hunt. This time he hid them and found them. He was better at finding them this way. :-)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Blah
I've been pretty depressed since I hurt my back about a week ago. It feels better, but I guess not being able to do anything for a few days left a dent in my psyche. I'm also depressed because I was going to try to get a job being a house monitor at the City Mission (which I probably wouldn't have liked anyway, bc it was on the men's side which might have been difficult), but I was too incapacitated by the back injury to take in the application. I had decided that I should probably get a job instead of going back to school to get my Master's in English, but now I don't really know what to do. I was really enjoying digging up a plot of land to make a garden, but that's how I hurt my back, so I'm scared to work on it anymore for fear of hurting my back again. I think if I had a friend to do things with, or if I could go to NA meetings, I'd probably feel better. Blah.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Fame (some thoughts I posted on Facebook the other day)
I've been thinking about fame a lot today and, well, lately. When I was around 24 or so I had changed my major from Psychology to Music because I wanted to understand music more and to become a better songwriter and musician. One day at school I ran into an acquaintance who has been playing music for a long time and is perhaps a little bitter about his lack of "success" as a musician.
I told him I was majoring in Voice and he said, "Why?" in kind of a disgusted manner. "What are you waiting for? I mean, you don't have that much time."
"You mean because I won't be a sex symol anymore?" I said.
"Yeah," he said. "I mean, like, women who are in their forties trying to play music should just get fat and have kids."
Wow.
********
I played a game with fame once. I achieved my goal of some semblance of fame and when I had done it, I felt completely hollow and like a puppt or a performing monkey. As soon as I got the fame I thought I wanted (being chosen to play in an international festival with Nina Hagen as the headliner) I completely shrunk from it. After playing at the audition in NYC to much critical acclaim, I felt sick from the fakeness of it. It was what I thought I had wanted and had been working for some time to achieve. There were radio dj's at the show and Polina, the head of NY Decay, told me to talk to them and give them a copy of our CD, but as soon as we played and everyone loved it I was over it. There were also personal problems within the band at the time that made the whole "success" thing seem even more hollow. Polina also began making plans for us to play at CBGB's just before it closed and when we got back home several NY dj's emailed me saying that they had been playing one of our songs in clubs or that they wanted copies of our CD's. I never even sent them the CD's. The whole thing seemed like a big joke to me and very insubstantial. I had had a lot more fun playing for open mic night at Calamity. It definitely had not been worth the hassle and seemed like a big orchestrated game just to get a bunch of strangers to say, "Wow, you're great."
I really didn't understand what was happening to me at that point. I grew very depressed after that because something that I thought that I had always wanted turned out to be a sham.
I felt like Naomi Watt's character in I Heart Huckabees when she plays a model and kind of goes nuts about having to be pretty all the time and always being in the public eye. She looks in the camera and says something like, "Everybody, look at me; look at me; I'm so pretty; everybody, just look at me; look at me!"
***********
Here are some quotes I found about fame that I think are interesting:
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck
"I won't be happy 'til I'm as famous as God."
Madonna (ha!)
If you come to fame not understanding who you are, it will define who you are.
Oprah Winfrey
Even those who write against fame wish for the fame of having written well, and those who read their works desire the fame of having read them.
Blaise Pascal
What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little.
Lord Byron
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.
Jean-Paul Sartre
If this fame, which people call my lucky break, were to stop tomorrow, I shouldn't care.
Brigitte Bardot
The reward of art is not fame or success but intoxication: that is why so many bad artists are unable to give it up.
Jean Cocteau
My career should adapt to me. Fame is like a VIP pass wherever you want to go.
Leonardo DiCaprio
A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.
Kathy Griffin
We're constantly striving for success, fame and comfort when all we really need to be happy is someone or some thing to be enthusiastic about.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What is popularly called fame is nothing but an empty name and a legacy from paganism.
Desiderius Erasmus (I wonder what he means by legacy from paganism? I'll have to look into it....)
Fame has also this great drawback, that if we pursue it, we must direct our lives so as to please the fancy of men.
Baruch Spinoza
Fame makes me feel wanted and loved, anybody wants that.
Michael Hutchence
***************
Reasons humans seek fame as far as I have determined:
1. To feel wanted and loved/accepted by as many people as possible (positive affirmation on a grand scale)
2. The media says it's important
3. Money
4. Power/"VIP pass"
5. To be recognized for one's accomplishments
6. To be remembered
But why do we want to be remembered? Is this an evolutionary or innate drive similar to the procreation drive so that our name will be carried on like our DNA? Or is it kind of a skewed drive for immortality or life after death?
I told him I was majoring in Voice and he said, "Why?" in kind of a disgusted manner. "What are you waiting for? I mean, you don't have that much time."
"You mean because I won't be a sex symol anymore?" I said.
"Yeah," he said. "I mean, like, women who are in their forties trying to play music should just get fat and have kids."
Wow.
********
I played a game with fame once. I achieved my goal of some semblance of fame and when I had done it, I felt completely hollow and like a puppt or a performing monkey. As soon as I got the fame I thought I wanted (being chosen to play in an international festival with Nina Hagen as the headliner) I completely shrunk from it. After playing at the audition in NYC to much critical acclaim, I felt sick from the fakeness of it. It was what I thought I had wanted and had been working for some time to achieve. There were radio dj's at the show and Polina, the head of NY Decay, told me to talk to them and give them a copy of our CD, but as soon as we played and everyone loved it I was over it. There were also personal problems within the band at the time that made the whole "success" thing seem even more hollow. Polina also began making plans for us to play at CBGB's just before it closed and when we got back home several NY dj's emailed me saying that they had been playing one of our songs in clubs or that they wanted copies of our CD's. I never even sent them the CD's. The whole thing seemed like a big joke to me and very insubstantial. I had had a lot more fun playing for open mic night at Calamity. It definitely had not been worth the hassle and seemed like a big orchestrated game just to get a bunch of strangers to say, "Wow, you're great."
I really didn't understand what was happening to me at that point. I grew very depressed after that because something that I thought that I had always wanted turned out to be a sham.
I felt like Naomi Watt's character in I Heart Huckabees when she plays a model and kind of goes nuts about having to be pretty all the time and always being in the public eye. She looks in the camera and says something like, "Everybody, look at me; look at me; I'm so pretty; everybody, just look at me; look at me!"
***********
Here are some quotes I found about fame that I think are interesting:
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck
"I won't be happy 'til I'm as famous as God."
Madonna (ha!)
If you come to fame not understanding who you are, it will define who you are.
Oprah Winfrey
Even those who write against fame wish for the fame of having written well, and those who read their works desire the fame of having read them.
Blaise Pascal
What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little.
Lord Byron
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.
Jean-Paul Sartre
If this fame, which people call my lucky break, were to stop tomorrow, I shouldn't care.
Brigitte Bardot
The reward of art is not fame or success but intoxication: that is why so many bad artists are unable to give it up.
Jean Cocteau
My career should adapt to me. Fame is like a VIP pass wherever you want to go.
Leonardo DiCaprio
A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.
Kathy Griffin
We're constantly striving for success, fame and comfort when all we really need to be happy is someone or some thing to be enthusiastic about.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What is popularly called fame is nothing but an empty name and a legacy from paganism.
Desiderius Erasmus (I wonder what he means by legacy from paganism? I'll have to look into it....)
Fame has also this great drawback, that if we pursue it, we must direct our lives so as to please the fancy of men.
Baruch Spinoza
Fame makes me feel wanted and loved, anybody wants that.
Michael Hutchence
***************
Reasons humans seek fame as far as I have determined:
1. To feel wanted and loved/accepted by as many people as possible (positive affirmation on a grand scale)
2. The media says it's important
3. Money
4. Power/"VIP pass"
5. To be recognized for one's accomplishments
6. To be remembered
But why do we want to be remembered? Is this an evolutionary or innate drive similar to the procreation drive so that our name will be carried on like our DNA? Or is it kind of a skewed drive for immortality or life after death?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Into A Swan
This song, "Into A Swan" by Siouxsie, is my theme song right now:
http://youtu.be/31iTJgkK6U0
http://youtu.be/31iTJgkK6U0
The Christianized Pagan Spring Holiday
I went to church today with my family. It was all right. Miles, my almost 3 yr. old, decided that he wanted to hang out with us in the adult church. He kept telling me that he was going to play the drums while we were listening to the music. He couldn't seem to comprehend that he couldn't play them just because they weren't his.
It's weird to me that my parents are fine with going to a church where a rock band leads the music. As a kid I remember getting in trouble because I had recorded some "rock" music off of Reading Rainbow and was dancing to it. Stuff like that's really confusing. I guess it's pretty amazing that my parents have grown and changed somewhat. I guess when one of your kids is a drug addict and the other a professional hobo, you figure you did something wrong. I'm really grateful that my parents are helping me, now, though. Gotta go; more latah....
It's weird to me that my parents are fine with going to a church where a rock band leads the music. As a kid I remember getting in trouble because I had recorded some "rock" music off of Reading Rainbow and was dancing to it. Stuff like that's really confusing. I guess it's pretty amazing that my parents have grown and changed somewhat. I guess when one of your kids is a drug addict and the other a professional hobo, you figure you did something wrong. I'm really grateful that my parents are helping me, now, though. Gotta go; more latah....
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